I was once a bright young thing
Don’t laugh, we are talking 20 make that 25 years ago
- I was a management trainee for a FTSE 100 company
- I had a First Class Degree
- And I was MBA educated
The world was my oyster
I thought I could conquer everything, I was going to be the next CEO (we called them Chairmen back then, I am going back a while).
On reflection I was an arrogant little ****.
I used to attend meetings and manage my position by what I said.
It was important to look intelligent at all times. To be insightful and on top of my game. If I didn’t sound clever how was anybody going to know? And — critically — why would anyone promote me?
There is no point getting old if you don’t get wise
Since then I have learnt at least one thing. I don’t know it all. On the whole I am reasonably aware of what is going on in my head, but in general I have precisely no idea what is going on in anybody else’s.
Most people are like me, only interested in their own opinions. So if you want to think what they think, see what they see and hear what they hear; then the best way to find out is to ask them then shut up and listen.
You never really learn much from hearing yourself talk ~ George Clooney
How do you listen?
20 things to remember
- Don’t ask questions of you are angry. People realise you won’t be that interested in their answers
- Don’t give advice. People don’t respond well to advice, especially not mine
- Don’t try to listen if you are busy, your head is elsewhere
- Don’t be judgemental. “What were you thinking!” is not a great question
- Do not suggest or correct…
- Do not praise or criticise…
- And do not control. I’ve slowly discovered that none of the above count as listening
- Look at the person you are listening to and not your phone — no really
- Every now and again say uh huh to show you haven’t passed out
- The advanced “uh huh” technique is to summarise what you have heard
- If you summarise it is wise to ask if your summary is correct
- Do help the speaker clarify what they have said
- Remember that specifics are far more informative than stereotypes
- Be conscious of interruptions and omissions. What is not said is often as important as what is.
- Do ask about the speaker’s feelings
- If you are unsure about what was said ask. “I was pissed” may not mean what you think
- Don’t sympathise, you are trying to understand not mother (ignore this advice if you are their mother)
- Don’t replace their story with yours, you already know your story you want to hear theirs
- Remember that you are listening not interrogating, military uniforms and bright lights are best avoided
- There is a difference between listening and waiting for your turn to speak ~ Simon Sinek
No doubt you know all the above…
But I needed to be told. If like me you are hard of listening then you could try reading Leader Effectiveness Training
I recommend it, I am still an arrogant little ****, but on occasion I have learnt to hold my tongue
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Really enjoyed this article, James – and the fish funny, too! Thanks!
Thanks Jo, the old ones are the best
James,
I like your tips, especially #20. Don’t listen with the intent to reply… listen with the intent to listen.
BTW, don’t sell yourself short… you are still bright. :-)
It was Plato who said, I am the wisest man alive, for I know one thing; and that is that I know nothing.
There you go.
Annette :-)
Thanks for the positive reinforcement Annette. I have shown your comment to my wife, she was less complimentary.
LOL. You’ll have to let her write a post for you one day. :-)
That would be an unfortunate mistake
Hi James, I’m with Annette on number 20. I’ve often asked people to pay attention to that one (and ask myself to do it too). It’s harder than it sounds but getting better at it pays huge benefits.
Adrian
I got a chuckle out of #9. It always ticked off my sister how I could feign interest with my Scottish Grandmother using that technique…
Thanks for the comment Scott, I am sure she was just being polite
On the subject of Grandma’s and listening, here’s what mine used to say.
‘there’s a reason that thas got 2 tabs and only 1 gob’
As I get older and wiser she was right.
They usually are Gary. I’m hoping I will make it to wise old bird status
Hello James,
For as long as the context calls for Managers (to be seen and rewarded as Managers) to speak, to direct, to command, to control … Managers will continue not to listen. Listening is what the troops do! They listen and they execute – without question.
Having said the above I totally get where you are coming from. And the kind of behaviour that you are standing for and encouraging. If you can make some time, I invite you to listen to Peter Block’s talk. The talk is more than listening, it is about evoking-generating community. Yet the right kind of listening is a key component of calling forth community. Here is the link:
https://youtu.be/uEprrK3qvlM
Hope all is great with you.
maz
Fabulous video Maz, I can see a use for that. Thanks for the link